Its 5:30 in the morning. Wow. Nothing is going through my head but that replayed over and over. The one scene everyone looks and compares to in a chick flick, that one scene that guy’s don’t seem to understand why girls are so fascinated by it. I lived through that scene today. It was quite something. It was a hallmark moment. You know, the one moment where everyone just goes “awe” at the same time? Its a good thing, I think. I can’t really be forward here, because I’m not even being forward with myself.

I’m young. I’m naive.

It makes me wonder if there really is a choice for me ever. I really want this to work. The last time it didn’t was because I wasn’t single at the time. Yes, I lied to you. I lied to myself. I’m quite a shitty person. I understand that, that was the old me. I changed (doesn’t everyone say that?) God, I feel like a walking cliche. 

That kiss on the cheek, it should have been something just more than that huh? I am an idiot for not realizing that. God, I’m like actually freaking out over a girl. Oh man, I never thought I’d see this day come. The little bit we held hands to the kiss on the cheek, everything just seemed so smooth sailing to me, but I don’t know if it is the same for you.

I feel like I’m playing a game, and the opponent is myself. I’m not the cutest kid in the world, I’m not the funniest, I’m not the most charming, I don’t know how to act around you. I don’t even know. Oh man. I sound so retarded. I don’t even know what to do with myself when it comes to girls.

I’ve been single for how long now? If I even count my last relationship as one. Which means I’ve been single for over a year. Thats a year with no feelings for anyone what so ever. I don’t even think I know how to be a boyfriend anymore. I wouldn’t even know what to do.

I mean everything is just falling into place for me. I’m moving up there for the school semester - you’ll be only a short drive away. We’ve been talking a lot and also spending time together. You told me you actually liked me. I mean I’m pretty sure I should be jumping for joy right? Anyone who would be reading this is probably going to be like “GET ON THAT NOW.” Haha, oh man I am going crazy.

All the signs point to me trying, or at least I should try. I think I might. And by God, if you actually see this somehow - don’t think I’m insane. This is just how my thinking process is and yeah. JD:JSD:LFJS:DLFJSD:LF.

Woo.

I think its done. I’ve had my chance and I screwed it up. Its funny when I think about how I even had a chance with you. From what I can see it just seems like you found some other boy to make your heart melt, make you smile, sing you songs, etc. You used to be so excited when I talked with you and now there is nothing between us. I’ve been misguided and I suppose its time for me to stop trying or maybe I should keep going.

I don’t really understand what goes on in your head, I can’t read your thoughts. You’re the only person that I truly don’t understand and it just makes me want you more. Distance is a small thing, a barrier you can cross - but I can only cross that barrier if something could happen and my chance is now lost.

I’m honestly sorry I wasn’t good enough. I’m sorry I can’t make you smile anymore. I’m sorry that I was the one probably initiating this distance between us. Possibly there still is something, but it is just buried so deep that I don’t know what to do about it. I’m lost, and that is putting it lightly.

As long as you’re happy and pleased with what you have than I’ll try to do the same. No promises though.

Looking back at the blog I posted about you I realized that I basically told you to change everything. I mean somethings you did change and I appreciate it a lot but somethings you haven’t - I shouldn’t have made you.

I’m glad that we are talking and feel so comfortable with each other. I can say what comes to my mind without being judged, I can laugh at the little silly things you do, I can make fun of what you say to me or what you’re wearing and you don’t get mad. You just play along and say shit to me back and we both understand that its just joking around.

I smile so much when I’m talking to you, not one minute is passed without some form of a smirk, a grin, a smile, laughter, etc. You make me happy. I’m glad that I can finally feel something again. I can’t really quite describe this foreign feeling but i know its a positive thing, I hope.

For some reason I can find a flaw in any girl but you. You always look absolutely stunning to me and are just a beautiful girl in general. Your personality speaks and meshes so well with mine. You look so cute when you’re thinking or just watching tv and the little faces you make when you’re about to say something cute to me. I love it all. You’re a grand girl, that’s a fact.

All I know is for sure is the next two weeks you’re going to be the one that keeps me sane through finals. I’m sure of it.

Well its been made clear that my dream of going to the University of Washington Seattle is now taken from me and stripped of its glory. My family just can’t afford it. With my little brother’s college around the corner along with three families (my aunts, uncles, and cousins) immigrating over and moving in with my family (my dad’s house and my uncles house) there isn’t really much extra money laying round. This sucks. I’ve wanted to go to this school since I was a young boy and fuck I can’t even tell you how this feels.

Its gorgeous. Its the perfect school. One of the top schools for medicine and the city is amazing. Nothing beats it and well now I’m stuck here in Minnesota going to St. Cloud hopefully next semester instead of this shitty ass school. St Cloud isn’t much of an upgrade I suppose, but at least I’ll be close to family - well closer.

I haven’t felt this shitty in a while. I haven’t wanted something more in my life. Its gone. I tried my hardest giving my father different ideas and solutions (i.e taking loans out, financial aid, etc) it just wasn’t good for the “welfare of the family”. He doesn’t want me to be in debt (which I understand fully), but can’t he see I’m not happy. In about a year and a half I’ll be working full time for a salary (hopefully), I just want to enjoy everything I have at the moment before I have to actually start being an adult. 

Yeah, I’m pissed. Yes, I’m dissatisfied with my father’s decision. I totally would go and say, “fuck it. I’ll take the debt”. The only thing is my father won’t co-sign the paper to let me take out that loan. “The amount of money you would spend out of state could let Tommy (my little brother) go to college for a year or two as well.” I understand this. I really do. Living in a shit hole and being unhappy for basically the next two years is something I have to do for the “well being of the family”. I know I’m being selfish. I know that I shouldn’t be bothered this much by it. It’s just I haven’t actually wanted something more in my life. I just needed to hold out another semester than I could transfer. My grades could make it. I know they could. I just can’t afford it.

I don’t hate my father for being reasonable about the money thing, but I can be unhappy right? Its not totally unfair you know. Giving me a choice but then saying well if you do go out of state than I’m not gonna sign the loan. What kind of fucking choice is that. Ugh. I had no choice to begin with.

/sigh.

Dear You,

For the first time in forever I legitimately tried to reach out to you. I don’t know if you’ll take my advice or not with your current situation, but I do know that you’ll be surprised that I texted you that. Yep. I’m showing that I care. You’re still young and you don’t need to be caught up in everything. Just live life and be happy. Do whats right for you. The more you worry about things like that the more things will be complicated. Just enjoy it.

Yeah, I miss you. I miss you a lot actually. No more late night phone calls, no more silly skype convos, no more horrible jokes, etc. Shit happens. People move on. I’m glad that that you found someone awesome to fill that gap that was inside of you for the longest time and I’m sorry I wasn’t that guy. But you just have to look forward to things you know? Don’t just sit there and mope around do something about it. Move forward, keep moving forward.

You have so much to learn and so much to experience, let this be one of those times. Don’t cut your self off - you’ll get hurt either way. Just let your self flow and be happy until that day comes. Life as you know it will be more simple as you go along and realize how young and naive you were looking back on these thoughts you had one day.

As for sticking around and talking to you all the time, it probably won’t happen. But do know this. I still care and I still am looking out for you - even if it isn’t obvious.

Smile. Live life. Don’t give a fuck.

Love,

Kha Lehuu

I used to go to class. I used to wake up in the morning on time to actually start my day. I used to never miss a test. I used to actually care. 

Here I am now at 5:18 in the afternoon still in my boxers and shirtless just chillin’. Skipped my class today and the test that I rescheduled for today at 1 got rescheduled to tomorrow. I don’t even know what its on. I gotta get my shit together. I gotta start trying again. This is college. I can’t fuck up. At the rate its been going at it seems like this year will be a fucked up year for my gpa. I don’t like that. I gotta fix it. I gotta change it.

Starting tonight I’m going to get homework done, start studying for classes, start going to classes, etc. I’m going to try and I’m going to succeed. 

Next time you’re going to be “back in a sec” make sure you’re back in a second and not make me wait on the damn phone.

Just my two cents.

I probably just screwed up a bit there.

I think I like you?

Or maybe I dont?

I don’t even know what I’m thinking anymore.

I haven’t written on here in a while. It seems like nothing much has changed. No one really reads these things anyway. I just felt like tonight was a good night to post something.

Schools been going alright I suppose. The only class I’m really worried about is honors biology. If I get my ass into gear though it should be fine. :) No worries. My composition class is going swimmingly compared to last years and everything else is where I want it to be. It seems like my educational career is slowly falling into place. Hopefully I’ll get accepted into the exchange program and be able to go to Australia next semester and get to a different school next year. I really don’t enjoy Crookston like I should be.

Other than my education I feel like I lost touch with a lot of close friends. My friends back home don’t seem to miss me much, so I guess college really does change people. Maybe its my fault that I’m not talking much to them and expecting them to talk to me, eh who knows. I miss home. I miss my friends. I miss my family.

The only positive thing about me feeling that I’m missing a chunk of my self and my mind is that my guitar became my best friend again. Someone I can rely on I guess. Lately I’ve been venting on it instead of here. I suppose thats a good thing since you guys won’t be hearing me complain about everything.

Lets see what happened today that was worth mentioning. Oh! I hung out with Brittany. It was fun. I haven’t had genuine fun in a while. For once in while I enjoyed myself. It was quite the exhilarating feeling. There’s more to what went on in my mind but that’ll be for a later post.

I’ll try to keep writing on this damn thing.

I dont understand. I don’t really think I exist to you. It’s like nothing between us ever existed. It seems like I never existed. I can never tell if you’re lying or telling the truth. I don’t know what’s even going on. Ugh.

Day 08: Short term goals for this month and why?

1. Well, lets start off with figuring out who the fuck I am. I used to think that I knew who I was until this year. I’m starting to figure out what and who I need in my life and don’t need in my life. This isn’t really a short term goal I suppose.
2. Writing more music. I’m hoping to get a full ep or a base of a full ep by thanksgiving and so far its going quite well. I’m excited for the new direction of music I’m starting to write and I’m loving it.
3. Focus more in school. School right now is a bitch. :/ I’m not too excited for it, but if I’m trying hard enough I should be able to get through it just fine.

Day 09: Something you’re proud of in the past few days.

1. Proud of my new songs I’m writing.
2. Proud of manning up and telling her what was bothering me
3. Proud of me realizing that some people aren’t meant to stay in my life and I should quit chasing.

Day 10: Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad.

1. Happy - Kid Cudi, Aesop Rock, Julian Casablancas, Tokyo Police Club, Gym Class Heroes
2. Sad - David Choi, Copeland, Daphne Loves Derby, Kid Cudi, Kevin Devine, Bon Iver
3. Bored - Aesop Rock, P.O.S, Kid Cudi, Dear and the Headlights, Some hardcore music, Bon Iver
4. Hyped - Aesop Rock, P.O.S, For Today, After the Burial, Underoath
5. Mad - For Today, After the burial, Kid Cudi, Aesop Rock,

You know. I tried to reach out to you. I sat there and spilt everything to you last night. I thought I could finally get to you. That you’d finally understand. Apparently not. You piss me off so fucking much. The sad part is, I can’t just leave. I don’t want to. I’m sitting here and it now feels like I have to deal with this bullshit for quite sometime until you really understand how I’m actually feeling. You have something infront of you here that is willing to make sacrifices one last time for you, but you can’t do a simple thing that I ask? One simple fucking thing. Why I bother with you I’ll never know. Nothing I say, do, or show you will ever get to your head. You’re so caught up in your own little world that you don’t realize that there are people who care for you and are there for the long run.

You told me to tell you these things, so I did. Not directly, but you know what I mean. I told you. You told me you wanted to change so that I wouldn’t leave. Well start doing it. I’m not going to break down these walls for you just yet when you can’t even make simple sacrifices. I’m done trying. I’m done going out of my fucking way to reach to you. When you change let me know, I’ll be right here.

There are reasons why I’m skeptical about going out with you, or having any relationship with you. You say you’re devoted. You say you love me. Well the thing is, you don’t act like it.

Lets go down the list and the reasonings on what needs to be changed or talked about before anything can go down between us.

1. You put yourself out there - You always constantly talk about sex, post scandalous pictures of yourself, etc. If you want me to be yours, this is going to change. I don’t want anyone else seeing shit, knowing shit, etc but me (assuming we go out). You don’t need to flaunt your beauty to others, we all know you’re beautiful.
2. The way you flirt with other boys - We went out once before and I’m sure we’ve talked about this at one point of time. You have a very very flirty personality. I don’t mind that, its just when you start to say things to other boys it is going to be a problem.
3. The way you portray yourself to others - This kind of goes in hand with number 1 I suppose, but you need to realize that looking sexy, seductive, etc isn’t always about showing skin. Its personality too. To me, when you do this you become actually unattractive. The times where I find you the most attractive is when you smile, laugh, or make a stupid joke. Theres others too but right now off the top of my head those things are what make you so damn attractive to me.
4. The way you portray yourself to me - You tell me that you’re not attractive, and that no one likes you, that everyone hates you. Thats not how it is. People love you. I absolutely adore you. You need to act more positive. 
5. You say you love me - Then act that way. Don’t make me go out of my way to reach you. For once come to me and act like you care about what I’m feeling, how I’m doing, etc without having me tell you.
6. When you take pills, drink, etc - I respect that you’re telling me that you’re doing these things. But when you do them I do nothing but worry. I’m not there at the current moment. I’m away at college states away. I hate worrying about you, your well-being, and if you’re safe all the time. If things do go down between us and you come here or I go there to try this once more, that has to stop.

Theres more but right now I’m just so flustered and worried about how you’ll react to this post. I don’t even know if you’ll read it, but do know that I care about you. I’ve just been thinking so much these past couple days and I just want things to work out. I’m sure there are things about me that you wish were different as well. If so, let me know. If we can’t talk about this or communicate and find a middle ground than I dont know if I want things to work out. I’m honestly scared shitless to try this one more time. I guess thats all I have to say for now.

I’m glad that its over now. My thought process can once again return to normal. I can be myself again. I won’t have to stress over this anymore. I won’t have to think about this anymore. I have better things to look forward to and work my way toward.